1. How Do You Handle Conflict?
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1. How Do You Handle Conflict?
How do you handle conflict?
Most women I know either avoid it or make too many assumptions about the people involved in it.
What do I mean?
Well, most women I know do not want to confront people or say how they feel. If something bothers them they either choose to stay silent, or they simply agree with the other person.
When I say that women often make assumptions, what I mean is that they assume they know what the other person is feeling and thinking. This usually leads to misunderstandings, hurt, and unnecessary arguments. It's never fair to assume what another person is thinking.
Do you relate to this?
Don't get me wrong. This is not a generalization. There are some women out there who are great communicators. And some of you are great communicators in certain situations and fall apart in other situations.
Sometimes I think I'm a great communicator and good at solving conflicts. But then there are times conflict brings up old insecurities and I react in ways that are not necessarily loving or productive.
Five Tools
I want to give you five tools for handling your conflicts. This is not by any means a complete list, just a few things to consider. We have been studying conflict for two months in my women's group, and still have plenty of material to cover. If these five tools are helpful, let me know, and I'll share some more next week.
First: Recognize what the relationship is with the person you are having the conflict with. Is it a short term relationship? long term? someone you deeply care about? someone you don't care about? a business relationship? What is your commitment to this person and what do you ultimately want the outcome to be?
Second: Know. What is it exactly that is bothering you? Is it a specific thing that happened or is happening? Is it related to an assumption you are making, and therefore does it require for you to get some questions answered before reacting? If you were to describe it using all "I feel" references and avoiding blame, how would you do it? For instance: "
Third: Swallow your pride. Pride can really prevent conflict from being resolved. Pride means that you don't try to have the upper hand, but you relate to the other person as an equal - knowing that you, as much as they, are capable of messing up. Pride means being vulnerable and accepting another person's desire to make amends. It means revealing where we were wrong. It means revealing our fears. Letting go of our pride allows us to connect with others and break down walls.
Fourth: Trust. Assuming the other person hasn't done anything to abuse your trust, give them the benefit of the doubt. Trust that when you approach them, that they will want to listen and make things work. Trust that they have good intentions. This will make a huge difference, and they will appreciate you for this.
Fifth: Respect yourself. Take time to learn what your boundaries are. Think about what boundaries are being crossed in this situation. Are they negotiable or non-negotiable. This is important, and giving yourself time and space to think it over can be helpful.
It is also important to recognize your power. When we are feeling scared or hurt, we often hurt others or make things hard for them when we don't need to. We always realize how other people's actions affect us, but we don't always recognize how our actions and words affect others.
If you want to learn more about conflict and addressing it with others, think about joining us in the Wednesday night women's group. E-mail or call me if you are interested.
Private sessions are also available.
Have a fantastic weekend!
Melissa
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