1. How to Explain Your Healthier Diet to Others
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1. How to Explain Your Healthier Diet to Others
Last week I had a few clients and a newsletter reader talk to me about how difficult it is to eat healthy in social situations. I think social situations are in the top two most difficult aspects of changing your diet. The other would be eating to soothe loneliness, boredom, and stress.
Below is the question the reader posed to me along with my response. I thought it would be helpful for the many of you who are putting a serious effort into making changes.
The Question
"I notice that it is so much harder to eat healthy socially. Ever since I started taking your cooking classes I have transformed the way I eat. I rarely go to a regular supermarket and instead go to Whole Foods, Fairway or natural health food stores like The Natural Frontier. I carry carrot sticks and an apple when I go to class and oftentimes make your healthy breakfast burrito for lunch as a matter of fact. In order to eat healthy I usually plan ahead for meals and snacks. However, when going to people's houses for a bbq or holiday it is a bit more tricky. When visiting my boyfriend's parents we either go for Chinese food or his mother cooks for us. I do the best I can to eat healthy, but I can tell they think there is something wrong with the fact that I eat this way. They dont understand organic, and poo poo it for costing more money. The father makes cookies with refined sugars and when I eat one to be polite, he responds with, "That's it?" For Thanksgiving I made healthy fudge and healthy pecan pie, and it was not appreciated and viewed as weird. I feel really uncomfortable eating at people's places, especially if they watch me eat their food and constantly offer me more. I have tried bringing food I like to eat to share, but the family expects me to eat the food they made. What would you tell your private clients who might have this problem?"
My Response
I understand that this is challenging. Basically you have figured out that you feel better when you eat certain kinds of food and not so good when you eat other kinds of food. You have made a choice for yourself to eat in a way that you feel is healthy.
Usually when we spend time with others, food is shared; in fact, it's a source of the entertainment. People attach a lot of emotional and cultural meanings around food, and if you are not sharing in the food festivities, others often become concerned or offended.
When we enter into a relationship with another person, we are agreeing to share our lives with them and to make compromises. Sharing meals with each other and other family members is inevitable. I have two alternative solutions for you.
Just Go with It
1) Some people who have decided to choose a healthier lifestyle make the choice to eat what is offered to them when visiting another's home. They make this choice because they feel the communion around food and shared time with relatives and friends is healthier for them than feeling stressed about trying to stick to their own diet.
I think this choice works great if you are not trying to lose weight, you don't have allergies or sensitivities, and you don't feel bad physically after eating the other food. It's important to make clear that this should be a choice and not something you do simply because you are afraid of conflict or because you feel pressured.
Accept Your Needs, and Show Acceptance to Others
2) The other solution is that you can recognize that you have different food needs than other people and accept this about yourself and accept others for the way they are. I believe that it is very important to not make other's feel that the way you eat is "right," and the way they eat is "wrong." Many followers of the "health food movement" are very offensive in the way they push their ideas onto friends, family, and random people they meet at parties.
Now, this is where establishing healthy boundaries begins. You can only control your own behavior: what you say, what you eat, and how you treat others. You cannot control how others will react to you. Having healthy boundaries means that you can make choices for yourself and be okay with saying "no" to others, and be okay with others not liking your choices.
When you make the choice to eat healthier, you have to recognize that you are going against the grain. Others are going to find it weird, and they are going to want you to change. It comes as part of the "I'm choosing to eat healthy" package. When someone feels offended by me choosing not to eat something they made or something they want me to eat, I just try my best to express love to that person. For instance: "Oh wow! That looks so wonderful. I bet it tastes great. I'm so sorry that I won't be able to share it with you. I have to be really careful about my food choices because my body is really sensitive." Or, "Wow! That looks amazing. I bet you are a fantastic cook. I am such a weird eater though. I am into that cooky organic movement and can only eat like a rabbit."
Sense of Humor
Sometimes it's helpful to show other people that you have a sense of humor about it and that it doesn't have to be a heavy issue. It also makes them feel accepted by you and like you don't expect them to eat the way you do.
If they keep pressuring you, you just have to politely be firm. If someone actually rejects you for what you eat, then that is an issue only they can deal with. You eating what they want you to eat just to keep peace is not really a solution to the problem.
Bringing Your Own Dish
Finally, when I'm going somewhere I know that people are not typically into healthy foods, I will try to bring something I know they like, even if I won't eat it. Or, I bring something for me and something for them. It doesn't have to be expensive. Fortunately buying junk food is as simple as picking up a box of oreos or potato chips. The last option is to bring something healthy that everyone loves and doesn't think is weird - like strawberries or watermelon.
I hope this is helpful. Really this is about setting boundaries for yourself, while still being loving and accepting. Remember that your friends and family don't want to feel rejected either. If your boyfriend's father says "that's it?" when you take just one cookie, then you have to just recognize that he's uncomfortable and accept that this is okay. Fortunately it's not a life threatening issue for anyone.
The Women's Group
By the way, for those of you who want to be better at setting boundaries, my Wednesday night women's group is exploring in depth the topic of conflict and communication. E-mail or call me for more details: melissa@myheartdances.com
xoxox
Melissa
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