A note about this article: I'm Melissa King, LMHC, a psychotherapist with special expertise in helping people navigate the emotional and relational impact of a genital herpes diagnosis. I provide in-person therapy in Manhattan and virtual therapy throughout New York State, California, and Florida. I also offer an in-person therapy group in NYC for women with genital herpes.
This article was originally written with women in mind because most of the people I worked with around genital herpes at the time were women. I've since worked with men navigating many of the same concerns about disclosure, dating, and rejection, and much of what follows may be relevant regardless of gender.
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I know it might be hard to believe, but there are a lot of people out there who are not going to be bothered that much by you having herpes. I know because I’ve watched many, many women over the years find partners who just didn’t think herpes was a big deal—and I don’t mean that they searched and searched and finally found one partner who accepted them—I mean that they got out there and dated, and disclosed, and had boyfriends, and lived their lives. I also know because there are great writers out there like Ella Dawson who have disclosed their status publicly and the dating pool has not dried up for them.
Some of these women found their dream partner and are still in a relationship with that person today. Others are still dating, sorting through frogs trying to find their prince. (Note: just because someone accepts herpes doesn’t mean they’re your prince).
But rejection does happen. If you’re out there dating, there’s a chance you’re going to experience rejection at some point. I don’t want to sugar-coat it. I believe “the odds” of finding partners who are ok with herpes are better than you might think, but yes, there are still people who aren’t going to be able to get over the idea of dating someone with herpes.
I have been working with women with herpes for many years. As a therapist, I find that those who struggled with dating before being diagnosed with herpes feel particularly vulnerable. They often feel it was hard enough to meet someone before herpes and have difficulty imagining how they’re going to find love now.
There are many kinds of patterns people find themselves in when they’re dating or in relationships. If things repeatedly don’t work out, they may wonder, “Why does this keep happening to me?” For example, some people have a pattern of attracting partners or finding themselves in relationships with people who tend to disappear when things get real or serious. Others seem to attract committed, caring partners with ease.
I’ve noticed over many years of working with people diagnosed with herpes that the relationship or dating patterns they had prior to their diagnosis tend to be similar after their diagnosis. If they found themselves attracted to partners who didn’t want to commit before, they may now also find themselves experiencing rejection after disclosing a herpes diagnosis. It then may feel like the rejection was about herpes, but it may be the same pattern that was happening before the diagnosis. Things got real and their new romantic interest bailed.
I want you to know that this is not about being pretty enough, cool enough, smart enough, fun enough, sexy enough, or being worth it. It’s about intimacy and security and what we expect from relationships. It often goes back to experiences we had when we were very young, usually related to our relationships with our parents or primary caregivers (though not always). Sometimes these relationship dynamics are subtle. Your parents might have been really great, but there can be subtleties in the patterns that occurred in these relationships that can influence the kinds of partners you’ll be drawn to as an adult, not just the kinds of people you are attracted to but also how you engage in relationships that might be self-defeating without you realizing it.
The good news is that you can correct course.
You may have heard of secure and insecure attachment. Some of us have secure attachment styles. We feel fairly secure with ourselves and in our relationships. We’re drawn to others who provide love, care, and stability. We feel confident in what we need and deserve and we don’t stick around with partners who treat us poorly. Others of us have insecure attachment styles. We find ourselves feeling familiar with uncertainty in relationships. We may long for intimacy and commitment but when we actually have it or it is offered to us, it is uncomfortable. We tend to be drawn to and excited by partners who are just out of reach. Relationship patterns can be about other things as well, not just attachment.
If this is you, my guess is that you don’t want to stay there. The bad news is that herpes can’t be cured. The good news is that we can do something about our relationship patterns. Changing this pattern doesn’t happen overnight. Occasionally people have an “aha” moment and make a quick shift, but most of us have to do some hard self-examination. Change isn’t easy, but it can be worth the hard work.
So how do you fix the pattern?
1. A lot has been written about attachment. Herpes isn’t easy, but I’d love you to be curious about whether something else is going on. Learn more about attachment and reflect on how it applies to you. Here’s a great article you can start with. And an excellent podcast.
2. Years ago, I came across an analogy from John Gray, author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, that has stayed with me. He suggested that people who tend to be attracted to partners who aren't good for them think about dating like playing darts. If you always shoot too far to the left, start trying to shoot a little too far to the right. The more you practice, the closer you may get to the center of the board.
3. My favorite thing about psychotherapy is that it really helps us to examine the nuances of our relationships. A psychotherapist can collaborate with you to discover the subtle ways in which you continue to repeat patterns in your life and help you find new ways of relating.
4. I can’t say enough about group therapy, specifically a psychodynamic-oriented group focused on relationships. Group therapy is special because you form relationships within the group and this becomes a lab for you to examine the kinds of connections you experience with others. Before joining a group, make sure you ask the therapist if the group deals with relationship issues and uses relationship dynamics within the group to support this process. If you’re in the NYC metro area, you can find a group therapist here: https://egps.org/groups/search-for-a-group/
I have watched genital herpes be the thing that helps women I work with finally start untying the knots of their struggles with relationships, insecurity, and self-esteem and come out on the other side more secure and confident than they were before herpes. No one wants herpes to be the thing that pushes us forward, but life throws everyone curveballs and we can just take it or we can use those experiences as the springboard to launch us into something better.
Therapy for the Emotional and Relational Impact of Genital Herpes
If a herpes diagnosis has affected how you feel about yourself, dating, disclosure, sex, or relationships, therapy can be a place to look at what's happening more closely. Sometimes that means working through shame or fear of rejection. Other times, as I've written about here, a diagnosis can bring existing relationship patterns and insecurities into sharper focus.
I have special expertise in helping people navigate the emotional and relational impact of genital herpes. I offer individual therapy in person in Manhattan and virtually throughout New York State, California, and Florida. I also offer an in-person therapy group in NYC for women with genital herpes.
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Read Other Posts in the Let's Talk About Herpes Series
Disclaimer: I am a psychotherapist, not a medical provider. Information on this website is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for psychotherapy, medical care, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have questions about herpes testing, symptoms, transmission, or treatment, please consult a qualified medical provider.