Over the years, I’ve worked with many individuals who come to therapy fearing they have herpes — even after negative tests and reassurances from medical providers. Often, symptoms involve subtle sensations on or under the skin that can't easily be seen or assessed, leaving individuals feeling misunderstood or worried that something is being missed. For those who struggle with this, the worry can be consuming and isolating. But there is hope.

Most of the people I work with do not develop serious clinical depression but many of them do struggle with a period of sadness and shame. Reading this tells me that you have hope and there is good reason to have hope.

Over the years, many people with no history of herpes symptoms have called me to begin counseling or group therapy after receiving a herpes diagnosis from a blood test screening alone. It is true that you can have herpes and not be aware of symptoms. However, if someone tells me they have never recognized any symptoms, I think it’s worth exploring a little further to make sure the diagnosis is accurate.

Maybe it’s hard to believe right now, but it’s going to be ok. I have been working with people diagnosed with genital herpes for a lot of years, so I am not saying this from some naive belief. It comes from my experience with my patients. Life really can go on after a herpes diagnosis. Many of my clients say that herpes actually forced them to deal with issues that were present before their diagnosis, such as with self-esteem or how they engaged with relationships, and that they ended up better than they were before their diagnosis.

So here’s what I suggest:

Many people diagnosed with herpes feel betrayed by the medical system when they learn that they have never been tested and their partner likely was not either. If you didn't know before now, herpes is generally not included in a standard STD panel. That means all those screens that you so diligently obtained since becoming sexually active and the one you may have asked your partner to get as well, probably did not screen for herpes. 

I recently connected with Lori Fauquier, a nurse practitioner who used to practice at Callen-Lorde, here in New York City. She now has a tele-medicine practice focusing on women's health issues. I've found Lori to be knowledgeable and passionate and a provider that is comfortable talking about sex and sexual health.

These are my favorite herpes resources. They include my most recommended sites for facts and information, good books, positive encouraging websites, and some great articles. I hope you find these supportive on your journey.

Below are some answers to common questions or misconceptions my clients diagnosed with herpes often ask or talk with me about in therapy sessions. I hope these are helpful to you as you process your feelings and thoughts about your diagnosis.

The most pressing question many of my clients with genital herpes have, even more than worry about how to tell someone their dating that they have herpes, is when to tell someone they’re dating that they have herpes.

Most of the clients who work with me are looking for a relationship as opposed to casual sex. I do have some clients who enjoy casual sex and who have success disclosing to those partners, but today I’m going to focus on those of you who are seeking something more serious.

I know it might be hard to believe, but there are a lot of people out there who are not going to be bothered that much by you having herpes. I know because I’ve watched many, many women over the years find partners who just didn’t think herpes was a big deal—and I don’t mean that they searched and searched and finally found one partner who accepted them—I mean that they got out there and dated, and disclosed, and had boyfriends, and lived their lives. I also know because there are great writers out there like Ella Dawson who have disclosed their status publicly and the dating pool has not dried up for them.