Herpes and Self-Esteem

Sep 6

When someone comes to me for the first time after a herpes diagnosis, they usually feel devastated. Most of the people I work with never imagined something like this could happen to them. They carry a great deal of shame because of the stigma, and in some cases they also feel hurt and angry toward the person they think gave it to them.

They feel very worried about their sexuality and their future. They desperately want to regain their self‑esteem and wonder if they can feel desirable again. They often say to me, “How could anyone ever want me now?“

If you have just been diagnosed with herpes, it’s hard to see much past tomorrow. It’s hard to imagine feeling good about yourself. And yet, you also know you must find a way through this. You are searching for answers and some sense of hope.

How a Herpes Diagnosis Can Shift Self-Esteem

Given how you feel about this thing that seems to be destroying your self-esteem, I know it’s probably impossible to imagine that it might actually be the thing that makes your self-esteem better than it was before your diagnosis. Yet I have watched so many people work through their negative beliefs and feelings about themselves and their diagnosis and emerge with greater self‑acceptance, self‑respect, and confidence than they had before.

How can that be possible?

Finding Hope in Therapy

Herpes sometimes becomes the catalyst that brings someone to therapy for the first time. And it can push a person to really examine their worth, what matters about them to other people, and what kinds of relationships and people they want in their lives. In our early sessions I help them move past the initial shock and emotional pain, provide accurate information about their diagnosis, and give them a sense of hope to hang onto.

From there we explore:

The story of how they arrived at this point – the circumstances, emotions, and meanings attached to the diagnosis.
Their broader sexual and relational history – fears of rejection, insecurities that existed before herpes, and the kinds of relationships they’ve had versus what they truly want.

Many of my clients already felt disappointed with dating before herpes and now worry their diagnosis will make finding love and connection even harder than it was before, if not impossible.

Relationship Patterns and Self-Worth

I have been working with people affected by herpes for almost 25 years in various capacities. This has allowed me to watch countless stories unfold and learn about the dating and relationship patterns that tend to occur after a diagnosis. I have noticed that people who had very good self‑esteem and who chose loving, caring partners and secure relationships before their diagnosis tended to do the same after their diagnosis. Conversely, those who chose unavailable partners or relationships that felt insecure, tended to repeat those patterns.

From these observations I came to feel quite strongly that herpes itself matters very little when it comes to a person’s ability to attract accepting, caring partners. What matters far more are the pre‑existing relational patterns.

A Psychodynamic Perspective

I practice therapy from an interpersonal psychodynamic lens. In this approach, we give special attention to the relational patterns that people tend to repeat that cause disappointment and suffering.

The clients who come to me for help tend to work hard at getting better. They are smart, introspective, and really want to take good care of themselves physically, emotionally, mentally, and relationally. They are curious about why they struggle with particular relationship problems or insecurities and although they are often feeling quite hopeless when they start with me, I know that deep down they do have hope, that they are coming to therapy every week because they have hope that with support they can find a way through this.

Going Deeper Than the Diagnosis

Some people only need initial support and education. They have had satisfying relationships in the past and soon feel confident they can find this again. Many others do not have a dating or relationship history that gives them this kind of certainty. With these individuals, once we work through the initial feelings of loss and pain, we go deeper. We look at relationship history, not just their relationship with others but also their relationship with themselves, what they think of themselves, what role they tend to cast themselves in relationships with others.

Some of the Things We Do Are:

Identify recurring patterns – What are the patterns? Is it the people you’re choosing or the beliefs you hold about yourself, others, and relationships that keep you from having satisfying experiences.
Explore cultural and family‑influenced beliefs about gender, sexuality, and intimacy (often unconscious).
Work to shift those patterns so you can experience more satisfying relationships.

We also spend time recognizing what you bring to a partnership, which is inevitably much more than a herpes diagnosis. By setting herpes aside momentarily, we identify and explore your strengths, values, and what you truly have to offer to others and to a partner.

Defining What You Want

Together we explore how you have experienced relationships in the past and where things went wrong, along with what felt unsatisfying. We spend time deepening your connection with yourself so that you better understand your internal world, your reactions, and your feelings, so you can apply that insight more effectively when making decisions. We also develop skills to help you communicate your needs and who you are with greater courage. This often enhances your ability to choose interpersonal experiences that feel more fulfilling.

Facing Fears of Rejection

Connection is a fundamental human longing—and when we find it, we tend to value it deeply.

I think it’s also important for you to know that despite whatever a person’s patterns are, I still witness more acceptances after a herpes disclosure than rejections. There is genuine hope—herpes does not have to stand in the way unless you allow it to. If rejection does occur, we work on preparing you so that your self‑esteem is more likely to stay intact.

Final Thought & Invitation

Healing from a herpes diagnosis is less about the diagnosis and more about reclaiming your voice, your worth, and your narrative. By confronting shame, untangling old relational patterns and beliefs, and embracing the strengths you already possess, you can move back into dating and intimacy with renewed confidence. This isn’t to say that therapy is easy or that it fixes everything perfectly. Therapy is hard work and life is not without challenges. But my hope is that in our work together, you can become more effective at navigating them and be able to have more of what you want from life.

If you’re navigating this journey and would like personalized support, I invite you to schedule a confidential phone consultation or explore resources on my website. Together we can transform a diagnosis into a catalyst for deeper self‑respect and richer connections.

I see clients in person in New York City, and also offer virtual therapy for clients in Florida and California.

Ready to start?  Schedule a free 15‑minute consultation.

Contact Me for a Consultation

About Melissa

I’m Melissa King, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in private practice in New York City, with advanced training in sex therapy. I specialize in the intersection of sexual health, shame, and self-worth, and I have particular expertise in supporting individuals navigating a genital herpes diagnosis.

My practice includes both in-person sessions in NYC and virtual sessions for clients in Florida and California. I’m passionate about helping people heal shame, rebuild confidence, and create deeper, more authentic relationships. Find out more about working with me here.