Sex, Girls, and Shame: When Girls Don’t Get to Cultivate Their Own Desire
The first time I had sex was the summer I turned 16. I was a camp counselor and housed in a cabin with all the other counselors ranging from ages 16-19, with no adult supervision.
I “lost my virginity” that summer with the lifeguard who was 18. I remember feeling excited that it happened, even though the experience itself was not that pleasurable, as is often the case for teenage girls their first time.
The Shame That Followed
A couple of days later, an adult man in charge approached me privately and sternly said, “You need to tell your mother what you did.”
Somehow word had gotten around.
I felt intense shame.
Although a lot of teenagers would not have told their parents, I confessed to my mom and felt her disappointment immediately. She was angry and upset. I felt like such a bad kid.
Obviously, adults might worry about teenage pregnancy or STIs, but this felt like something else. My safety did not seem to be the priority. My virtue as an adolescent girl seemed to be what was in question.
“Good Girls” vs. “Boys Will Be Boys”
The lifeguard came to camp for the summer with condoms. He was expecting to have sex, as most teenage boys freely hope to do.
But I was in trouble—with my mom and seemingly with the man in authority at the camp. I suspect a teenage boy would not have been treated the same way. Boys get to grow up hoping to have sex and adults seem to expect that they will. They may be urged to avoid getting someone pregnant, but unless they are raised in a very religious household, their morality does not seem to be in question. Their sexuality is also not framed as something they must protect from being used or taken advantage of by girls. There is more freedom to explore and respond to their desire.
When I think back, I wonder what the adults at that camp were thinking, anyway? If they didn’t want sex to happen, why in the world would they put a group of 16-to-19-year-old teenagers in a cabin together?
It seems the girls were expected to keep the boys under control.
When Girls Learn to Ignore Their Feelings and Desires
I wonder how my experiences with sex as a teenager might have been different, if instead of being angry at me, my mom had said “How are you feeling about this?”
After making sure I was responsible (the lifeguard and I did in fact use condoms), what if she had asked me questions and given me a chance to talk about my experience? What if she had inquired about what it was like, whether there was anything about it I didn’t like or wished had been different? What if she had spoken to me as though my experience were legitimate?
If that had happened, maybe I would’ve understood that my desires matter, that my experience matters. Maybe that would’ve been the better lesson. Because many women grow up rarely considering their feelings and desires in relation to sex. I had sex with the lifeguard because I was curious, not because I felt sexual desire. I also did it because I wanted to be cool. But I didn’t understand how to navigate these different feelings. I could’ve used some help with that.
Women often learn very early that “good girls” only express their sexuality within a very narrow range of behaviors. We learn to protect ourselves from men—who we’re taught is the gender that wants sex. We don’t learn that we can be free to also want sex (with perhaps the exception of being inside a long-term monogamous relationship). We also learn that our sexuality exists to serve a purpose in relation to men, not as something to explore and understand for ourselves. We learn to focus on what is expected of us rather than on our own internal experience. Being shamed only deepens girls’ focus on what others expect rather than helping them turn inward and learn about their own desire.
Curiosity about sex is healthy and normal. But I didn’t have a chance to learn the difference between curiosity and desire. Instead, I was steeped in shame for being a “bad girl.” Meanwhile, I had an older brother who freely talked about sex and his desire for women. For many boys, sex was expected, even celebrated—just don’t get someone pregnant. For girls, sex brought judgment. That contrast shaped so much of how I, and many women, learned to think about sex.
What I See in My Practice
In my psychotherapy practice, sex often comes up as a topic for clients. Thankfully, most women I work with feel more freedom than previous generations to make choices about sex, but I find that women are still preoccupied with what men want and what is appropriate and acceptable for women to want. Often, the women I work with haven’t spent much time considering what they want from a sexual experience, what would be pleasurable for them, what pacing would be right for them, or what would be good for their mental, emotional, and physical health.
I think this is partially because no one asks women about their own desires when they are young and beginning to think about sex. What men want still gets centered and good girls are taught to restrain themselves.
There is less shame today, but still a lot of shame for women. Many women I work with still worry about whether their “number” of partners is too high, or if they are having sex too soon or waiting too long based on how they think men will feel. It’s no wonder so many women grow up feeling disconnected from their needs, their bodies, and their pleasure. Changing that script starts with being asked, “What do you want? What feels good for you? What matters to you?”
With all that said, I, of course, don’t mean to imply that boys don’t grow up with their own issues or own pressures around sex. But that’s for another article.
Healing from Shame
I aim to create space for these conversations in therapy: a space where women can talk about how they came to think about sex, what their experiences have been, and name what they need, value, and enjoy. When women do this work, they often discover not only more freedom and confidence, but also the ability to create more authentic, mutual, and fulfilling connections.
And to me, that’s what healing from shame is really about.
Get Support
Your desires matter. Knowing what they are and being able to communicate them are important for healthy sexuality and relationships. If you’d like to work on having experiences in sex and relationships that you can enjoy and navigate authentically rather than focusing on a set of rules about what you should and shouldn’t do, I would love to help! I offer in-person counseling in New York City and virtual counseling to individuals in FL, CA, and Upstate NY. You can learn more about counseling with me here. Or you can contact me for a free 15-minute phone consultation to tell me a bit about your needs and we can determine if it makes sense to work together.
I’m Melissa King, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in private practice in New York City, with advanced training in sex therapy. I specialize in the intersection of sexual health, shame, and self-worth.
My practice includes both in-person sessions in NYC and virtual sessions for clients in Florida and California. I’m passionate about helping people heal shame, rebuild confidence, and create deeper, more authentic relationships. Find out more about working with me here.
**This information is not intended to replace medical advice or psychotherapy and is not intended to address all the caveats of a diagnosis. Information found on this website does not create a provider-patient relationship with the reader.