Disclosing a Herpes Diagnosis: There's No Perfect Moment, But There Is a Right One for You
Many (most?) people with herpes worry about disclosing their diagnosis to a new partner and become anxious about getting all the pieces that they have in their control just right in order to avoid rejection if possible. Knowing the right time to disclose and finding the right words can feel like a lot of pressure. I hope I can ease some of the pressure for you today.
Disclosure is Vulnerable and That’s OK
Obviously, rejection is part of dating. Unlike many other things you might be rejected for, disclosing a herpes diagnosis can feel like an obvious fork in the road. It’s such a vulnerable moment, revealing something about yourself that is stigmatized in our culture, while feeling unsure how the person you’re hoping to date or be intimate with will respond.
Rejection Happens Less Often Than You Think
I don’t think there is a magic formula to disclosure that prevents rejection. Before I go on though, in my 25 years of working with people with herpes, rejection happens less often than people imagine. Many of my clients with herpes find it difficult to believe that someone without herpes would be accepting of their diagnosis. And yet, in all these years, what I observe is that potential partners are accepting and understanding more often than they’re not.
You Can’t and Shouldn’t Try to Control Someone Else’s Reaction
That said, some people will not be comfortable with your diagnosis. I don’t recommend basing your timing or wording on trying to make those individuals comfortable. Some people might not ever be comfortable, no matter when or how you disclose. Some people might be comfortable if they know you well. And some people might be comforted by something specific that you say. But it’s very difficult to predict what one individual might need and that might be a very different thing from the next individual. It’s just too complicated to base your decisions on an attempt to read someone else’s mind.
Recenter on Your Own Experience
So the way I work with clients is to help them find a path that feels right to them, that feels as natural as possible. I suggest that people focus on their connection with the person, how they’re feeling with that person, what they think of that person, and how they’d like the relationship to evolve. In other words, I try to help my clients focus on their experience of this person and their own thoughts about this person rather than being preoccupied with what that person might be thinking or feeling. This is an important exercise in recentering, a reminder that you get to make decisions in your life about sex, dating, and relationships and choose partners that are the right fit for you. And hopefully that person will choose you back. But you only have control over you!
So When Is the Right Time to Disclose?
Most people who work with me agree that disclosure should happen before the other person is at risk. This can affect timing significantly. I have clients who choose to become physically intimate with a partner at a range of paces. Some enjoy sex on the first night they’ve met someone and disclose beforehand. Some have an ongoing sexual relationship with a friend and have known that person a long time before disclosing. And some prefer to wait to have sex until they know if they want to have a serious relationship with the other person.
But I would say on average, in typical dating scenarios, most people I work with disclose within the first handful of dates.
What Do You Need In Order to Feel Ready?
In addition to focusing on the connection and how you feel about this person, you might also want to consider if there is anything you need in order to disclose. For instance, do you simply need to know you want to be physically intimate with them? Do you need to feel like you trust that the person will be kind to you regardless of whether they want to continue dating? Do you need them to be vulnerable with you about something in their lives before you are vulnerable with them in this way? It might not be immediately obvious to you what you need, but it’s an interesting question to consider. What you need might also change depending on the person or the circumstance.
Rejection is Not Always About Herpes
People have often experimented with timing of disclosure. Some people who used to disclose very early on have tried waiting longer and this helped them to remember that rejection can happen even when there is no disclosure. Someone once shared with me, “If I had told him I had herpes that night like I had planned, I would have thought he ghosted because of herpes, but he was going to ghost me anyway.”
Photo by bhuvanesh gupta on Unsplash
You should find the time that feels right for you. People are going to respond how they’re going to respond. There are so many factors—such as how much they like you, how comfortable they are with sexuality, how anxious they are about health issues. I don’t think it’s easy to predict who will be accepting and who won’t be. Many clients have held theories about this that turned out to be wrong. Dating a doctor does not mean the person will be understanding, and hearing someone laugh at a herpes joke does not mean they won’t be. In addition, sometimes people worry that educated, accomplished people are less likely to be accepting. Most of my clients are well-educated, accomplished individuals and they are dating the same.
Courage Leads to Connection
In my experience, clients who find the courage to put themselves out there do find acceptance. I also help clients prepare for rejection should it happen. But there are a lot of potential partners out there who are understanding about this.
Get Support
If you’re struggling with a herpes diagnosis, I would love to help. I offer in person counseling in New York City and virtual counseling to individuals in FL, CA, and Upstate NY. You can learn more about counseling with me here. Or you can contact me for a free 15-minute phone consultation to tell me a bit about your needs and we can determine if it makes sense to work together.
About Melissa
I’m Melissa King, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in private practice in New York City, with advanced training in sex therapy. I specialize in the intersection of sexual health, shame, and self-worth, and I have particular expertise in supporting individuals navigating a genital herpes diagnosis.
My practice includes both in-person sessions in NYC and virtual sessions for clients in Florida and California. I’m passionate about helping people heal shame, rebuild confidence, and create deeper, more authentic relationships. Find out more about working with me here.
Related Posts on Herpes You May Find Helpful
Let’s Talk About Herpes: Rejection (It Might Not Really Be About Herpes)
**This information is not intended to replace medical advice or psychotherapy and is not intended to address all the caveats of a diagnosis. Information found on this website does not create a provider-patient relationship with the reader.