Anxiety About Herpes Despite Negative Results: How Therapy Can Help
Over the years, I’ve worked with many individuals who come to therapy fearing they have herpes — even after negative tests and reassurances from medical providers. Often, symptoms involve subtle sensations on or under the skin that can't easily be seen or assessed, leaving individuals feeling misunderstood or worried that something is being missed. For those who struggle with this, the worry can be consuming and isolating. But there is hope.
Over the years, I’ve worked with many individuals who come to therapy fearing they have herpes — even after negative tests and reassurances from medical providers. Often, symptoms involve subtle sensations on or beneath the skin that can't easily be seen or assessed, leaving individuals feeling misunderstood or worried that something is being missed. For those who struggle with this, the worry can be consuming and isolating. It can feel as though there's no one to talk to, or that no one truly believes you. Even when a doctor assures you that you don't have herpes, the relief may be short-lived before the anxiety resurfaces.
Understanding Persistent Anxiety About Herpes
When working with someone navigating this kind of persistent worry, I first take time to understand how they arrived at this point: what were the circumstances that proceeded the worry (such as a particular sexual encounter), what symptoms they’re experiencing, what conversations they've had with their providers, and whether any follow-up testing has been recommended or considered. Sometimes, all reasonable steps have been taken to rule out a herpes diagnosis, yet fear remains. In other cases, fear of the testing process itself stands in the way of finding clarity. Either way, the worry often disrupts important areas of life — whether it's dating, focusing at work, or simply feeling at ease in one’s body.
How Therapy Can Help You Work Through Health Anxiety
At the outset of therapy, we’ll explore your goals — what you hope to gain from the experience. My role is not to convince you one way or another about a diagnosis. While facts and education can be helpful, one of the most effective ways to address this type of anxiety is to explore: what if the worry were true?
Many people find it deeply helpful to fully name their fears and consider what steps they would take if they did, in fact, have herpes. This can be a gradual process. Some fear rejection or lifelong loneliness. Others carry guilt shaped by religious beliefs or upbringing. Some worry about being a disappointment to their family — even if they would never disclose it. For others, the worry ties into broader patterns of anxiety or into fears about intimacy itself. Sometimes, unconsciously, fearing herpes can serve as a protection against being vulnerable with a new partner. The unconscious can work in surprising ways.
What If I Really Do Have Herpes? Working Through the "What-Ifs"
Once we begin to understand the deeper fears underlying the worry, we can start to address them directly. For example: What if you disclose and face rejection? What would it look like to have that conversation with someone? Together, we can build strategies to cope with anticipated sadness, loss, or fear. Alternatively, as I mentioned earlier, what if you succeed? What if someone does accept you? Will you be able to take in and trust that acceptance?
In the beginning, some people find it difficult to imagine any hope for themselves. Fortunately, based on over 20 years of working with individuals navigating herpes, I know that the vast majority go on to enjoy romantic and sexual relationships and to live full, meaningful lives. Even when you can’t yet feel hope, I can have that hope for you.
We also explore a meaningful question: Why do some people move on more easily while others struggle longer? Each person's story is different. Our histories, experiences, and vulnerabilities shape how we respond to challenges. Understanding these patterns can be transformative — not only for managing herpes-related anxiety but for broader personal growth.
Building Resilience and Moving Forward
Processing this kind of anxiety takes time, but it is deeply worthwhile. It often involves healing old wounds, strengthening resilience, and expanding your sense of what is possible for your life. Over time, as we address the fears behind the worry, herpes — or the fear of herpes — can begin to hold less power. You can become less dependent on test results for reassurance and more grounded in your own strength and resilience. You are not alone in this, and hope is possible.
Confidential Counseling for Health Anxiety and Herpes in NYC.
I offer individual counseling in NYC, with a private office located in Murray Hill (E. 35th and Lexington). I provide a safe, comfortable, nonjudgmental space to talk openly about your concerns. If you’d like to explore whether working together feels like a good fit, please contact me to schedule a complimentary phone consultation.
Related Posts on Herpes You May Find Helpful
Let’s Talk About Herpes: Rejection (It Might Not Really Be About Herpes)
You Were Just Diagnosed with Genital Herpes: Now What?
Maybe it’s hard to believe right now, but it’s going to be ok. I have been working with people diagnosed with genital herpes for a lot of years, so I am not saying this from some naive belief. It comes from my experience with my patients. Life really can go on after a herpes diagnosis. Many of my clients say that herpes actually forced them to deal with issues that were present before their diagnosis, such as with self-esteem or how they engaged with relationships, and that they ended up better than they were before their diagnosis.
So here’s what I suggest:
Maybe it’s hard to believe right now, but it’s going to be ok. I have been working with people diagnosed with genital herpes for a lot of years, so I am not saying this from some naive belief. It comes from my experience with my patients. Life really can go on after a herpes diagnosis. Many of my clients say that herpes actually forced them to deal with issues that were present before their diagnosis, such as with self-esteem or how they engaged with relationships, and that they ended up better than they were before their diagnosis.
So here’s what I suggest:
1. Breathe.
It’s probably going to take a second for you to wrap your mind around this. That’s ok. In the meantime, I want you to know a few things.
The difficulty with herpes is mostly the mental health impact, leading to feelings of shame, loneliness, and sadness related to social stigma. That’s real. And it sucks. There are no overnight answers, but there is something you can do about these things.
Realize that from a medical perspective, for most people, herpes is minor. I know you might not care since the stigma makes things feel so painful, but I want to at least put your mind at rest about the medical piece. Medical complications from herpes are uncommon.
Unless you are very current with STI education, much of what you think about herpes probably isn’t true. That’s what stigma does. It leads to a lot of myths and misperceptions. A good place to go for readable and up-to-date facts is the Updated Herpes Handbook by Terri Warren who is a medical expert in the field.
There is usually a period of adjustment but most people I’ve worked with eventually move on with their lives. They date, they have sex, they have relationships, and they have families. Fortunately, you are not a pioneer. Many people have gone before you and figured this out. In the last 10 years, more people (writers, comedians, healthcare providers, etc.) have come out publicly about their diagnosis. I know it might be hard to believe right now, but most of my clients go on to have partners who are negative (to their knowledge)—meaning, lots of potential partners are accepting of this diagnosis.
Stigma often leaves you feeling that others will believe you made bad choices and will question your worth. The truth is, herpes is common. Most people have some risk. In addition, most people who have herpes don’t know they have it. So it’s actually not that uncommon for it to be transmitted in ways people don’t suspect, such as in monogamous relationships, between two people who know each other well, and even between people who have asked to see each other’s STI test results (doctor’s don’t usually test for it unless you have symptoms). I won’t pretend that people’s ideas aren’t shaped by stigma but people’s ideas are also influenced by hearing the experience of a real person sitting across from them. There are no guarantees that you won’t experience rejection after telling someone about your diagnosis, but I can tell you that many more people out there are understanding and supportive.
2. Don’t Google.
I discourage googling because there is so much outdated and poorly written information about herpes on the web. If you’d like to read more, go to the list on My Favorite Herpes Resources. I strongly discourage visiting online forums, with the exception of Terri Warren’s medical forum because she is the only one who responds and she does so with facts.
3. Do Things That Make You Feel Like You
You may feel a bit “out of body” right now. And initially it might be hard to feel like yourself while doing things you usually like to do. But try to keep doing those things with some regularity. Herpes did not make you into someone different than you were yesterday. It’s important to stay connected with your true self.
4. Support Groups
If you need to talk with someone who gets it, there are many support groups out there. Many are online since COVID and can be attended from anywhere.
If you’re in New York City, I have an in person therapy group for women diagnosed with herpes.
Here are some online support groups some of my clients have recommended.
If you feel comfortable, friends and family can also be helpful. Many of my clients have found a lot of comfort from telling a friend(s) or family member(s).
5. Get A Copy of Your Results
When you’re ready, get a copy of your results. No need to rush. That said, when you are ready, I think it’s always empowering to have your own copy of your test results and to learn to read them. An important resource I recommend where you can learn more about how to understand your results is The Updated Herpes Handbook by Terri Warren, NP.
6. Counseling Can Offer Relief
If you need someone to talk to, counseling can offer relief. I would love to help. If you are in New York City, I offer in person therapy for individuals who have been diagnosed with herpes or who are worried about having herpes but don’t have a diagnosis yet. I also offer virtual counseling to individuals in California, Florida, and Upstate New York.
Keep Moving Forward
No matter what you do, keep moving forward. Life throws us curve balls that can knock us down for a bit, but you can find your way from this. Many people have. I have heard hundreds of stories, and that is only a small sample of those out there who have emerged out of this!
I hope something from this guide helps you on your way.
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About Melissa King
I am a licensed mental health counselor in New York City with a psychotherapy office in the neighborhood of Murray Hill in Manhattan. Find out more about me here. I'd love to hear from you. Email me if there's a topic you'd like to read about here.
**Information on this site is not intended to replace medical advice and does not constitute a psychotherapeutic relationship with the reader.
Life After Herpes
I recently connected with Lori Fauquier, a nurse practitioner who used to practice at Callen-Lorde, here in New York City. She now has a tele-medicine practice focusing on women's health issues. I've found Lori to be knowledgeable and passionate and a provider that is comfortable talking about sex and sexual health.
I recently connected with Lori Fauquier, a nurse practitioner who used to practice at Callen-Lorde, here in New York City. She now has a tele-medicine practice focusing on women's health issues. I've found Lori to be a knowledgeable and passionate provider who is also comfortable talking about sex and sexual health. She is very generous with providing education through her blog and a regular Facebook Live show, both of which I've been so excited to participate in this month.
My Guest Post - Life After Herpes
I wrote a guest blog at Lori's site, Women's Health on the Go, for patients recently diagnosed with herpes: Life After Herpes
The Emotional Impact of Herpes - Facebook Live Interview
Lori will also be interviewing me this Friday at noon for her weekly Facebook Live educational show. We'll be talking about the emotional impact of herpes. It will be recorded and posted after the show in case you miss us!
Melissa
About Melissa King, LMHC
I am a licensed mental health counselor in New York City with a psychotherapy office in the neighborhood of Murray Hill in Manhattan. Find out more about me here. I'd love to hear from you. Email me if there's a topic you'd like to read about here.
Get Updates about New Blog Posts
If you find these posts helpful, sign-up to receive notices of new posts here. I will never sell your information. You can unsubscribe at any time. View my privacy policy here.
DISCLAIMER
Please remember that we are continuously learning new things about herpes. I will try to keep this website updated but remember that research may come out today that changes what we currently know about herpes. Information on this website is not intended to substitute professional medical or psychotherapeutic advice.